Which do suppose of the three CDs (Paul Simon’s Stranger to Stranger, Eric Clapton’s I Still Do or Sir Paul’s Pure McCartney) is the most likely to be shoplifted from a Target store. I found my answer today but can only wonder and worry about the person whose job it is to come up with that level of highly sought after department store protective intelligence. Are they permanently in that position and content or do they dream of moving on to perhaps a job with M5 or the CIA?
It started blandly enough as all good errands do. I wanted to buy Father’s Day gifts for the boys to give their Dad on Sunday. A recent remodel of the family room a few weeks again had me hiding his old CD/Cassette player with the hideous wires that ran across the entire wall that he used to play his music with. A recent birthday of his a few weeks ago allowed us to replace that with a more modern, sleek tiny CD player and little speakers that sound just as good. I hear you- why didn’t you just get him an IPOD or something. Sorry, but there are people on this earth who will go to their grave never having heard of an MP3. Anyway, along with this nifty new little CD player was a new Allman Brothers CD. With the bombardment this past week of really cool artists of our time putting out new CDs, Father’s Day gift ideas were a breeze. It was a bit tough having him give up the ability to play cassettes though. I reminded him that I do own a business that can transfer a cassette to CD if he likes at a family discount. Remember this is a man who has the entire Beatles album collection from the 60s on reel to reel and the TEAC to play them on. Not sure even any of the remaining Beatles can claim that.
I started at Sams with the always efficient two birds with one stone pie eyed optimism one often has on these kinds of missions. What could be easier than picking up some chicken enchiladas, toilet paper and a few CDs? I’m looking around Sams with a puzzled look on my face, which lo and behold is just the thing apparently to get someone to help you. This nice young man of 12 comes over and asks what I’m looking for. CDs I tell him. O the blank CDs are over there on aisle two. No, I would like some with actual music on them so that I don’t have to put it there myself and I will pay good money not to have to do so. We don’t carry those anymore, he says. What???? How can that be? Are you sure, I ask. Not even the good ones you don’t carry? I get clearing out the Ethel Merman Does Disco or every Lil Wayne CD you can find, but EVERYTHING??? Are you sure? Yep. Gone. All gone. Can I help you find anything? Yes, I say, my mind cause I just lost it.
Home I go with no CDs but lots of toilet paper and enchiladas. Target! That’s it. Target has to have them. Up the street, down the aisle and there they are- all three, shiny new in their CD wrappers. Two were just plainly wrapped in plastic. Hmm I thought that’s odd. Where is that crown jewel protecting plastic thingy they used to stick around them that would detonate as you go out the door if they didn’t take if off for you with a sledge hammer. O there is it on that CD. Huh?? One CD has it on still and very nice in red but not the other two? Who makes that decision and why? Who is this genius that has figured out which brand new album that no one has even heard yet is most likely to be shoplifted? That is nothing short of amazing. So I take my CDs to checkout. I ask if I can use the self check out. The ones you do yourself that were made to replace actual employees but never work until you find an actual employee to wave a magic wand across the screen. I say, there is this out the door don’t steal me protective red plastic thingy on this. If I check out here how does it come off? Take it to one of the people at the registers they say. Hmm, sort of defeats the self service checkout I just did, but I comply because I am nothing if not a rule following, don’t question authority kind of gal. I ask the first nice older lady at the register. She starts running this can opener type thing across the plastic thing but it won’t budge. She tries a pen. Nothing. Finally she says take it to that kid over there cause I don’t want to break one of my nails. No joke. So I go see the kid who now attempts taking it off with a screwdriver, a hammer, a can opener looking thing and thank God just as he was going at with the sledge hammer the red menace slipped off the CD case. The suspense is killing you isn’t it? Which CD is so amazing, so beautiful done that people with no money would rather risk jail time by stealing it from Target rather that downloading it for free from piracy sites on the internet. It’s Paul of course- Simon though not McCartney. Yes folks, Stranger to Stranger the new Paul Simon album merits the highest level of CD protection there is from Target. I can’t wait to hear it! It’s going to be great.